FAQ's

Q: What is a sex addict anyway?

Q: How do I know if my husband is a sex addict?

Q: What's inappropriate in the bedroom?
(Warning: the answer to this question is explicit and graphic.)

Q: Is my marriage in danger if he is only looking at porn?

Q: What about my kids?

Q: I'm a Christian. Can I separate from or divorce my husband because of his sexual addiction?

Q: What is a sex addict anyway?

A: A sex addict is someone who is compulsively being sexual in order to get a temporary thrill. This is called "acting out." But these sex acts are never satisfying enough. Other men feel satisfied after sex. Sex addicts, however, eventually seek new thrills, greater risks and bigger challenges sexually. A sex addict cannot seem to stop acting out no matter how many resolutions he makes to do so. He may masturbate to pornographic videos, websites or magazines. He may visit strip clubs or massage parlors. He may have sex with escorts or prostitutes. He may chat online and then maybe call, text message or meet women he found online. He may have repeated affairs. He may even act out in illegal ways: exposing himself, molesting a child or peeping in windows. His sexual addiction may be acted on entirely outside of his marriage, or he may try to talk his wife into doing the sexual acts he has seen in pornography.

Q: How do I know if my husband is a sex addict?

A: If you suspect—or know--he does one or more of the behaviors mentioned above, you probably feel many of the following things, and your husband is most likely a sex addict.

• You feel suspicious. He does little things that concern you that you feel you have no right to question. For example, he changes the channel quickly when you walk in the room, or he chats online with women, but not sexually, or he has his cell phone bill sent to his work. You don't question these things because you don't want to look petty, and you know he would deny it anyway, but your gut is telling you that the combination of these little things can't be good.

• You feel jealous. You see him glancing at other women out of the corner of his eye.

• You feel pressured. He asks you to do sexual acts that are uncomfortable, unpleasant or degrading for you.

• You feel objectified. His focus seems to be primarily on your sexual body parts.

• You feel angry. He's dancing right up to the line of breaking your wedding vows, but not quite crossing it yet.

• You feel worried. You're always trying to please him sexually so he won't cheat on you.

We will include many more signs of sexual addiction in the first chapter of our book When the Other Woman is Online.

Q: What's inappropriate in the bedroom?
(Warning: the answer to this question is explicit and graphic.)

A: Anytime you feel degraded or something is physically painful, that is definitely inappropriate. Anytime you feel uncomfortable with something - physically or emotionally - it is inappropriate for you. Often a degrading sexual act, like a man ejaculating on a woman's face, is something a man has watched in a pornographic movie. Men will often ask or even expect their wives to perform similar acts to those they have seen female porn stars profess to enjoy. Porn stars are pretending. You don't have to.

In our upcoming book, When the Other Woman is Online, we list ten vile sex acts that women need to say no to. We also describe the gray areas - sex acts that can be done in a loving or degrading way. For example, oral sex can be given in a way that is enjoyable for both spouses, where she is stimulating him in a way that is comfortable for her. (Remember, though, if you are uncomfortable with oral sex, it's O.K. not to have it.) But oral sex can be used, as it is in pornography, to dominate women, who are shown on their knees with men's penises pushed as far down their throats as possible, while they are gagging.

Q: Is my marriage in danger if he is only looking at porn?

A: Yes. Sexual addiction is progressive. It usually starts with pornography and leads to more illicit sexual acts. Eventually pornography will not be enough. Remember, sexual addiction is like a drug or alcohol addiction. Over time, more of the substance is needed for the same high. Even drug addicts usually start with a gateway drug like marijuana. Likewise, pornography is a gateway drug for sex addicts.

In When the Other Woman is Online, Kendra and Sara describe how their husbands' addictions remained for years in the realm of the "no-touch" forms of adultery, (such as, phone sex, looking at porn, chatting with other women online,) but eventually both of their husbands crossed that line. Do not be naïve. It won't go away if you ignore it. It will only get worse.

In addition, porn is bad for your marriage because your husband is masturbating to air brushed pictures of strangers instead of having sex with you. He is going to compare you to them. He may try to do pornographic sex acts with you and expect you to respond with the delight the porn stars are paid to fake.

Finally, do not agree to watch porn with your husband. Ever. You are not watching people have loving, satisfying sex. They are paid actors. Would you really sneak next door to watch your neighbors have loving sex? If not, then definitely don't watch porn because it is far worse.

Q: What about my kids?

A: If you sense something is wrong, so do they. They might not know the technical terms for what dad is doing, but they will sense the tension between the two of you. They will wonder if they are doing something wrong to cause this. It's O.K. to tell them there is a problem between you and their dad, that it is not their fault, and that it is mommy and daddy's responsibility to deal with it.

In our upcoming book, When the Other Woman is Online, we devote a chapter to this complex and troubling issue, explaining why you should tell the kids, what to say that is age-appropriate and how to approach this difficult topic.

Q: I'm a Christian. Can I separate from or divorce my husband because of his sexual addiction?

A: Yes. Jesus said in Matthew 19:9 "Whoever divorces his wife, except for sexual immorality, and marries another commits adultery." Therefore, when a spouse is guilty of immoral sexual conduct, the option is there for the faithful mate to divorce and remarry. Period.

Unfortunately, many pastors and Christian authors have added extra conditions to this passage that were not mentioned by Jesus. They would say, "When a spouse is guilty of immoral sexual conduct with another person, and is not willing to change his ways, only then is the option there for the faithful mate to divorce and remarry." This is stretching the Word of God. When the verse is interpreted in this way, it opens up gray areas for women married to sex addicts.

First of all, adultery is adultery whether it is in the mind or with the body. Jesus clearly states that in Matthew 5:28, so anyone who says differently is on shaky ground. Sex addicts are usually having multiple sexual encounters that may not necessarily involve skin-on-skin contact, but are definitely still immoral, and therefore grounds for separation or divorce. ("No-touch" forms of adultery include phone sex, looking at porn, and chatting with other women online, etc.) Wives of sex addicts are being cheated on when the sex addict is "with another person" in his mind or in the flesh, and therefore have the right to separate or divorce.

Secondly, Jesus did not say that if the adulterer is willing to change, the spouse must stay. Many sex addicts honestly feel sorry for what they have done and say they are willing to change, yet they continue to slip up, which causes emotional trauma for their wives, and sometimes exposes them to sexually transmitted diseases, including HIV.

When a husband demands that his wife stay in such a situation, it is similar to a physically abusive husband expecting his wife to stay with him, even though he is continuing to beat her up. The wife of a sex addict is experiencing emotional abuse. She does need to forgive her husband and let go of her bitterness towards him, but that does not mean that biblically she must remain married to him. Separation and divorce are both legitimate options for the wife of a sex addict.

Sara, after a two-year separation from her husband, went through the painful process of getting a divorce and will explain in our upcoming book, When the Other Woman is Online, how she came to that decision.